I am listening to Eminem and "Lose it" and its such a good song for how I feel like it= I am not sure when we will face our chance and we all have something to offer.
So I knew this would happen, I got a letter from dad. When I grabbed it from the mailbox, I held up the legal size envelope and was served right when I saw the small trace of paper inside, not nearly enough room in drama there so ended looking at them. I also knew there was not nearly enough paper he owes me the longest list of sorry past for them I am sorry. I knew before I even read a word on the paper that God wants us to do this on forward, and you just wanna skip all that with my dad. It makes me angry.
*I cant find my carwash coupon at the moment. But I feel like I must write the letter down so you can read the distance it makes me feel.
"Dear Jolie/Baby Girl, I miss you and I'm so so sorry for your hurt it took to see times to see myself in your pain, anger and resentment Now super much more an thought needs discovery and the only way to acquire it is to open our we were in tell me know where to be so not to worry about me...
Now as I type this it just makes me mad"
my interpretation
First off, my dad never finished high school so he could have hot us some he yelled at us for the way things are now. I will also try not to make any changes in punctuation unless you make them on purpose. Take a great deep breath friends, Be prepared for this long shirt anymore when I am subject to the end of those are things that will always remind you that you're feeling good can to drive around? what are almonds about?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
9/11 and second chances
I know this blog is mostly for me to vent about the careless man, but today holds a very personal place in my heart. Its the 9th anniversary of 9/11 and I want to share my thoughts, so for today, not another word will be said about the careless man.
9/11
Just two numbers- nine, eleven. Yet they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. 9 years ago today the world changed literally in one second, we went from a complacent and subdue people, to panic-stricken and shocked republic. Our entire world changed. Just. Like. That.
Nine years ago today I overslept for work. That NEVER happens. EVER. I pride myself on punctuality. If you know me, you know I abide by my mothers philosophy "If you're ten minutes early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. If you're late, don't bother", so the fact that I overslept is monumental. I was on the highway, rushing to get to work when they interrupted the song playing on the radio to announce that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I was sick to my stomach just thinking of how something like that could even happen. How does a pilot NOT see a huge building. And I knew the World Trade Center buildings were tall, but they weren't THAT tall where airplanes could accidentally crash into them. Thoughts raced through my mind and I knew something wasn't quite right. I just had that "feeling" in my gut that this was too obvious to be an accident. I started to pray. Thats all I could do to help. Pray.
When I arrived at work (I worked as a PCA for my cousin with disabilities, so my place of work is also my aunt and uncles house) the TV was already on. The news had interrupted the normal morning programming and in its place was the image of a plane flying directly into the first tower. Flames, black smoke, debris, broken windows, chaos. It was unbelievable. I kept thinking "How in the world are you such a crappy pilot you don't see a HUGE structure directly in front of you?" Then, out of nowhere, another plane came out of the blue and hit the other tower. We watched live as our terror doubled in a split-second. My aunt and I stood together, crying, in shock. It was crystal clear this was no accident. The gravity of the situation wasn't as immediate however. It was such a far-fetched concept that we, the United States of America, the strongest, richest, smartest country in the world had let our guard down. That we allowed this to happen. Clearly this was a choreographed maneuver by someone with the time and energy to outsmart us. And then the fear set in.
I just re-watched the footage of former President George W. Bush as he sat in front of a group little children at their school and read them a book. One of the president's aids walks up and whispers something in his ear. That was the moment the president first heard the news "America is under attack" and that the WTC's had been hit. Not just one tower, both towers. Deliberately. The look in his eye... They played it a few times and were close up on his eyes, and you can SEE the horror as the reality of what could and would happen next set in. He looked numb. I think each of us had the same look on our faces as we watched the footage in disbelief. I can't imagine anything more awful than to have to deal with than what GW did that day. Politics aside, I have to say this. Bush got a lot of flack from the media about 9/11 and the war that followed, but I have to say: we were safe. When 9/11 happened, I was SURE our world as we knew it was over. That I would have to live in fear that I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time when the next attack happened. That I would never again be able to leave my house without the fear of terrorism. But that never happened. Whatever our President and homeland security did from that day forward kept me safe. It kept you safe, it kept your family safe, it kept us ALL safe. Not a single terroristic attack anywhere CLOSE to what happened that day ever happened again. For that, I am eternally grateful. He restored my faith in my safety. My complacency even. I am happy being complacent, it means I am without fear of things that could happen. It means I trust my government to keep us safe and keep those that wish us harm, out of our way. Thank God, and GW. (In that order)
Anyway, enough political talk, back to the humanity. As my aunt and I stood aghast in front of the TV while my cousin, a small 7 year old boy at the time, played with his Legos, we were silent. What was there to say? And even if there were words, we wouldn't want to scare a little kid. Then, as if each of our greatest fears were coming to fruition, the first tower fell. Just when we literally thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. The tower crumbled into pieces as if it were a scene from a movie. Suddenly, there was just blue sky. What is usually a good omen, the bright blue of a clear, crisp, September morning sky, was instead the reminder of what had been there just seconds ago. A building, full of people, offices, copy machines, and chairs. It was all gone instantly.As though the earth somehow opened up and swallowed it whole. Every single story, just disappeared. All I could do was gasp, and keep crying. Quickly my aunt and I realized this was NYC, and my cousin attended NYU at the time. Was she safe? Was she ok? Had she called home? When we picked up the phone to call, it wasn't working. We couldn't call anyone, and they couldn't call us. The phone lines were jammed. The sickness of the situation set in further. I felt physically ill, like someone had punched me and spit on me. I was violated. Our whole country was violated. What gave these people the right to invade OUR country in such a horrible way? We still don't have many answers today. I honestly don't think there is a way for any of us to grasp what those hijackers were thinking- how brainwashed, gullible, and cowardly they each were, to do what they did. Dare I say they deserved their fate, but what about each person on each plane? What about the people in the buildings, minding their own business, going about their morning business as usual. Each person was someone's parent, sister, boss, mailman, friend, lover, cousin, ex-girlfirend, uncle, etc.... These were real people who too, will never go home again.
One of the thoughts that popped into my mind that day, one that has plagued me ever since is about chances. Every person on each airplane knew what was happening. They knew that hijackers had taken over the plane and were planning on killing them all. They knew they were never going to get off this flight. They weren't going to arrive at their "To" location printed on their boarding pass. For a short time, they were aware of their immediate demise, but they were given the gift of time. They had a second chance- some called home to tell their family that they loved them- their messages have been played again and again on the tv today. Heartbreaking messages from a loved one knowing this would be their legacy, their very last words to the ones they were about to leave behind. Some may have taken that time to examine their beliefs and pray to God, even if they hadn't before. Some may have even called out and for the first time asked for God to be in their life, care for them, care for their family, care for them in the afterlife. Some may have gone from atheist to Christian as their resolve was challenged to the core. Nothing will make you examine your existence like facing its end head-on. Some may have been in too much shock to do anything at all. But the fact remains: they ALL got a second chance. Now think of a man, standing at the copier on the 89th floor of the WTC, making photocopies for the morning meeting that he is late for. He looks down at his pressed white shirt only to see a new coffee stain that must have been there since he left his house this morning. He just knows this meeting isn't going to go well since he was already late and now he looks sloppy. The next moment, he is gone. A plane had, in an instant, plowed into the WTC he was standing in and just that quickly he was gone. Everyone sitting in the conference room waiting for him, checking their watches because they had other work to get to, all of them gone. The boss, the janitor, the man with the coffee stain, the woman celebrating her birthday. They were all gone. The man with the coffee stain- he wasn't given a second chance, a last-minute revelation that could potentially save his eternal soul. He didn't get to call home and tell his wife how much he loved her, tell his kids he is proud of them. One second he is making copies, the next second he is gone. No second chances. No time for contemplation or repentance. So this got me thinking, and to this day I still ponder this question; Why do some people get a second chance in life, and others don't? One answer I have settled on many times is that since I believe in God and I believe in heaven and hell, I believe we all get the choice in life to believe or not, then I have to assume that we all are given 2nd chances in life, its just that some are more obvious. While one man can see the hijackers take over their plane and take aim at NYC, another is simply opening his office door for the morning. Both of them gone the next moment. Its worth being said that its our free-will to decide what we put our faith in, if anything at all. I put my faith wholly into God, and I believe that I will go to heaven when I die. I also believe God is merciful, and would not punish someone by putting them in harms way like this- he isn't vengeful. So I have to think its part of His plan why some people on 9/11/01 got a second chance while others did not. I think its safe to say that this is OUR second chance- even though we are not on a hijacked plane. We have been given the gift of another day, and we have the amazing opportunity to take this day as our second chance and decide what we believe.
Thats what my faith is- its believing in God even amidst a tragedy such as this, believing He has a purpose for everything and this is all in His plan. I find comfort knowing my eternal life is safe with God and I need not fear eternity, because I know where I will be. I am lucky to have free will and I am blessed to know the truth. There is no one more capable of the duty of watching out for the lives of everyone on earth than God, so there is no need for me to worry and fret about life. Its all planned, and as a christian I consider myself one of the few that had the option of christianity presented to them at a young age and I was wise enough to accept it as my faith. Some people don't grow up the way I did, their parents may have never taken them to church, they may have had a hard life and many bad things may have happened to them and they have become jaded and have made the choice to believe there must be no God because their personal devastation is so overwhelming and all-encompassing. But everyday you hear stories of people who rise in such adversity, that may also have had a hard life, filled with problem after problem but they chose to believe in God, through the storm. Every single person is given a chance, and I believe we are even given a second chance. God WANTS us to choose him, to see the truth, but some people choose otherwise. Personally, I think that the hardest times are also the BEST times to reach out to God, rely on him. He is the Creator, Emmanuel- God with us. Meaning He is always here, whether we know it or not, and whether we want it or not. He created each of us for a purpose and I believe that through my faith I will fulfill my purpose, whatever that might be. For now, I take a deep breath, and continue to thank God for another day and be relieved I know my destiny.
Ok, now I have gotten all political and all religious. I did not expect this blog to be so long, but it turns out I had a lot to say. But who am I kidding? I always have a lot to say, lets be honest here. So I am going to resume my History Channel-athon and watch the 9/11 programming while thanking God for all the chances he has given me, and take a moment to pray for all that need a second chance. THIS is your second chance. Don't let it pass you by. Its too important to ignore, your eternity depends on it. Its your CHOICE, so make sure you are right. I am secure with my choice and even as I remember how uncertain I felt 9 years ago today, I also remember how on that day my first instinct was to pray to God. As long as prayer continues to be my knee-jerk reaction in dark times, I am comfortable with where I am at in life. So, its up to you to choose. You may not get a third chance.....
9/11
Just two numbers- nine, eleven. Yet they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. 9 years ago today the world changed literally in one second, we went from a complacent and subdue people, to panic-stricken and shocked republic. Our entire world changed. Just. Like. That.
Nine years ago today I overslept for work. That NEVER happens. EVER. I pride myself on punctuality. If you know me, you know I abide by my mothers philosophy "If you're ten minutes early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. If you're late, don't bother", so the fact that I overslept is monumental. I was on the highway, rushing to get to work when they interrupted the song playing on the radio to announce that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I was sick to my stomach just thinking of how something like that could even happen. How does a pilot NOT see a huge building. And I knew the World Trade Center buildings were tall, but they weren't THAT tall where airplanes could accidentally crash into them. Thoughts raced through my mind and I knew something wasn't quite right. I just had that "feeling" in my gut that this was too obvious to be an accident. I started to pray. Thats all I could do to help. Pray.
When I arrived at work (I worked as a PCA for my cousin with disabilities, so my place of work is also my aunt and uncles house) the TV was already on. The news had interrupted the normal morning programming and in its place was the image of a plane flying directly into the first tower. Flames, black smoke, debris, broken windows, chaos. It was unbelievable. I kept thinking "How in the world are you such a crappy pilot you don't see a HUGE structure directly in front of you?" Then, out of nowhere, another plane came out of the blue and hit the other tower. We watched live as our terror doubled in a split-second. My aunt and I stood together, crying, in shock. It was crystal clear this was no accident. The gravity of the situation wasn't as immediate however. It was such a far-fetched concept that we, the United States of America, the strongest, richest, smartest country in the world had let our guard down. That we allowed this to happen. Clearly this was a choreographed maneuver by someone with the time and energy to outsmart us. And then the fear set in.
I just re-watched the footage of former President George W. Bush as he sat in front of a group little children at their school and read them a book. One of the president's aids walks up and whispers something in his ear. That was the moment the president first heard the news "America is under attack" and that the WTC's had been hit. Not just one tower, both towers. Deliberately. The look in his eye... They played it a few times and were close up on his eyes, and you can SEE the horror as the reality of what could and would happen next set in. He looked numb. I think each of us had the same look on our faces as we watched the footage in disbelief. I can't imagine anything more awful than to have to deal with than what GW did that day. Politics aside, I have to say this. Bush got a lot of flack from the media about 9/11 and the war that followed, but I have to say: we were safe. When 9/11 happened, I was SURE our world as we knew it was over. That I would have to live in fear that I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time when the next attack happened. That I would never again be able to leave my house without the fear of terrorism. But that never happened. Whatever our President and homeland security did from that day forward kept me safe. It kept you safe, it kept your family safe, it kept us ALL safe. Not a single terroristic attack anywhere CLOSE to what happened that day ever happened again. For that, I am eternally grateful. He restored my faith in my safety. My complacency even. I am happy being complacent, it means I am without fear of things that could happen. It means I trust my government to keep us safe and keep those that wish us harm, out of our way. Thank God, and GW. (In that order)
Anyway, enough political talk, back to the humanity. As my aunt and I stood aghast in front of the TV while my cousin, a small 7 year old boy at the time, played with his Legos, we were silent. What was there to say? And even if there were words, we wouldn't want to scare a little kid. Then, as if each of our greatest fears were coming to fruition, the first tower fell. Just when we literally thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. The tower crumbled into pieces as if it were a scene from a movie. Suddenly, there was just blue sky. What is usually a good omen, the bright blue of a clear, crisp, September morning sky, was instead the reminder of what had been there just seconds ago. A building, full of people, offices, copy machines, and chairs. It was all gone instantly.As though the earth somehow opened up and swallowed it whole. Every single story, just disappeared. All I could do was gasp, and keep crying. Quickly my aunt and I realized this was NYC, and my cousin attended NYU at the time. Was she safe? Was she ok? Had she called home? When we picked up the phone to call, it wasn't working. We couldn't call anyone, and they couldn't call us. The phone lines were jammed. The sickness of the situation set in further. I felt physically ill, like someone had punched me and spit on me. I was violated. Our whole country was violated. What gave these people the right to invade OUR country in such a horrible way? We still don't have many answers today. I honestly don't think there is a way for any of us to grasp what those hijackers were thinking- how brainwashed, gullible, and cowardly they each were, to do what they did. Dare I say they deserved their fate, but what about each person on each plane? What about the people in the buildings, minding their own business, going about their morning business as usual. Each person was someone's parent, sister, boss, mailman, friend, lover, cousin, ex-girlfirend, uncle, etc.... These were real people who too, will never go home again.
One of the thoughts that popped into my mind that day, one that has plagued me ever since is about chances. Every person on each airplane knew what was happening. They knew that hijackers had taken over the plane and were planning on killing them all. They knew they were never going to get off this flight. They weren't going to arrive at their "To" location printed on their boarding pass. For a short time, they were aware of their immediate demise, but they were given the gift of time. They had a second chance- some called home to tell their family that they loved them- their messages have been played again and again on the tv today. Heartbreaking messages from a loved one knowing this would be their legacy, their very last words to the ones they were about to leave behind. Some may have taken that time to examine their beliefs and pray to God, even if they hadn't before. Some may have even called out and for the first time asked for God to be in their life, care for them, care for their family, care for them in the afterlife. Some may have gone from atheist to Christian as their resolve was challenged to the core. Nothing will make you examine your existence like facing its end head-on. Some may have been in too much shock to do anything at all. But the fact remains: they ALL got a second chance. Now think of a man, standing at the copier on the 89th floor of the WTC, making photocopies for the morning meeting that he is late for. He looks down at his pressed white shirt only to see a new coffee stain that must have been there since he left his house this morning. He just knows this meeting isn't going to go well since he was already late and now he looks sloppy. The next moment, he is gone. A plane had, in an instant, plowed into the WTC he was standing in and just that quickly he was gone. Everyone sitting in the conference room waiting for him, checking their watches because they had other work to get to, all of them gone. The boss, the janitor, the man with the coffee stain, the woman celebrating her birthday. They were all gone. The man with the coffee stain- he wasn't given a second chance, a last-minute revelation that could potentially save his eternal soul. He didn't get to call home and tell his wife how much he loved her, tell his kids he is proud of them. One second he is making copies, the next second he is gone. No second chances. No time for contemplation or repentance. So this got me thinking, and to this day I still ponder this question; Why do some people get a second chance in life, and others don't? One answer I have settled on many times is that since I believe in God and I believe in heaven and hell, I believe we all get the choice in life to believe or not, then I have to assume that we all are given 2nd chances in life, its just that some are more obvious. While one man can see the hijackers take over their plane and take aim at NYC, another is simply opening his office door for the morning. Both of them gone the next moment. Its worth being said that its our free-will to decide what we put our faith in, if anything at all. I put my faith wholly into God, and I believe that I will go to heaven when I die. I also believe God is merciful, and would not punish someone by putting them in harms way like this- he isn't vengeful. So I have to think its part of His plan why some people on 9/11/01 got a second chance while others did not. I think its safe to say that this is OUR second chance- even though we are not on a hijacked plane. We have been given the gift of another day, and we have the amazing opportunity to take this day as our second chance and decide what we believe.
Thats what my faith is- its believing in God even amidst a tragedy such as this, believing He has a purpose for everything and this is all in His plan. I find comfort knowing my eternal life is safe with God and I need not fear eternity, because I know where I will be. I am lucky to have free will and I am blessed to know the truth. There is no one more capable of the duty of watching out for the lives of everyone on earth than God, so there is no need for me to worry and fret about life. Its all planned, and as a christian I consider myself one of the few that had the option of christianity presented to them at a young age and I was wise enough to accept it as my faith. Some people don't grow up the way I did, their parents may have never taken them to church, they may have had a hard life and many bad things may have happened to them and they have become jaded and have made the choice to believe there must be no God because their personal devastation is so overwhelming and all-encompassing. But everyday you hear stories of people who rise in such adversity, that may also have had a hard life, filled with problem after problem but they chose to believe in God, through the storm. Every single person is given a chance, and I believe we are even given a second chance. God WANTS us to choose him, to see the truth, but some people choose otherwise. Personally, I think that the hardest times are also the BEST times to reach out to God, rely on him. He is the Creator, Emmanuel- God with us. Meaning He is always here, whether we know it or not, and whether we want it or not. He created each of us for a purpose and I believe that through my faith I will fulfill my purpose, whatever that might be. For now, I take a deep breath, and continue to thank God for another day and be relieved I know my destiny.
Ok, now I have gotten all political and all religious. I did not expect this blog to be so long, but it turns out I had a lot to say. But who am I kidding? I always have a lot to say, lets be honest here. So I am going to resume my History Channel-athon and watch the 9/11 programming while thanking God for all the chances he has given me, and take a moment to pray for all that need a second chance. THIS is your second chance. Don't let it pass you by. Its too important to ignore, your eternity depends on it. Its your CHOICE, so make sure you are right. I am secure with my choice and even as I remember how uncertain I felt 9 years ago today, I also remember how on that day my first instinct was to pray to God. As long as prayer continues to be my knee-jerk reaction in dark times, I am comfortable with where I am at in life. So, its up to you to choose. You may not get a third chance.....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
You're MY Little Girl
After all the negativity, I felt it necessary to throw this song in here because it got me through a lot of tough years in middle and high school- through my feeling so empty and forgotten as a daughter. It helps me remember who my REAL father is- my heavenly father and he will NEVER let me down or be careless with me. Its sung from the perspective of God to his daughter and how he understands the worldly mistakes parents make. This song still makes me cry. Its a capella and by a local Christian group that I have loved for, well YEARS!
And since its called "You're my little girl" I thought I would show you my little girl, Vixen. She is by my side as always as I blog and I love her so much. I just wanted you to see what a loyal baby I have. All together now "Awwwwwwww".
Go Fish "You're my little girl"
The ones you love they let you down
And I want you to know that I'm sorry
The choices that they made were wrong
You were caught in the middle and I'm sorry
So when the anger and the pain
Get the best of you
I know it seems like you're all alone
But I am feeling it too
'Cuz you're my little girl
You're the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you're cryin' in the night
All you need to do is call me
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're my little girl
When you're lookin in the mirror
I hope you're likin' what you see
Because no matter what you're feelin'
You're perfect to me
Because I see you as a child
Blameless in my sight
Just spend some time with me
And I'll make everything alright
I know you don't deserve what you've been through
I know it doesn't seem fair
I know that there are times you think you're alone
But you've got to know that I will be there, be there
31-39
31. He didn't give me a birthday present. Not a GD thing. Gee, how can I ever say FU, I mean thank you....
32. He always has to be the center of attention, even if it isn't about him.
33. I just found out he most likely is not sober anymore. All the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together.
34. He keeps texting my MOM about how he misses me, yadda yadda. Yea right dude, she is TEAM JOLIE not team A**hole. Duh.
35. He never compliments me. Never has.
36. He got all up in arms when I told him about a guy I was dating (previously). WTF seriously? Its about 28 years too late for the "protective" vibe you loser.
37. I have been saving this one cuz it makes me LIVID to the core. I feel like an erupting volcano of hatred when I talk about it.... He had the AUDACITY to say he was going to attend KE's high school graduation ceremony because he "had every right to" ex-fu#&ing-cuse me? YOU HAVE PRECISELY NO RIGHT TO DO ANY SUCH THING. This is the exact moment I quit talking to him. He is lucky I was holding my dog as he started telling me this crap or I really truly would have hit him. I still kinda wanna give him a knuckle sandwich. WITH brass knuckles, thank you. Guess I should add them to my shopping list...
38. He made my sisters cry when I told them about #37. I do not lie to my sisters, I tell them the truth- the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly ABSURD (such as this). To see them cry actually rips the heart out of my chest and tears it into small bits. But could he give two sh*ts? Nope, cuz he "had every right", remember? Riiiiiight. EFF THAT.
39. He refused to help me tape up part of my bumper this winter that was falling off cuz I "am a big girl and can do it myself". Um excuse me, isn't that a fathers JOB? To deal with cars and such? Another red flag of his stupidity.
And with that, I give you one of the GREATEST "My dad sucks" songs by some guys who know what its like standing in my shoes. And guess what? Even after their fame and success, their dad still has no part in their lives. No shock there. Self-centered idiots NEVER get it I have decided. So Thank you Good Charlotte for being so badass to write this song and for giving me something to play with the volume all the way UP in my car and scream and cry as I do it. Thank you thank you thank you thank (Benji and Joel Madden, I am forever indebted)
Good Charlotte "Emotionless"
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we’re alright
But we’re alright
We’re alright
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive
Sometimes I forgive
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And sometimes I forgive
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we’re alright
But we’re alright
We’re alright
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive
Sometimes I forgive
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And sometimes I forgive
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
I found this AWESOME live performance of this song. Its incredible. Give it a watch. Get the kleenex...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Testing
This is my first EVER tweet from my phone so I wanted to make sure it works before I go to town blogging away!
You know my dog I told you about? Here she is. I thought she deserved some pictorial recognition.
So there you have it folks, my very first mobile blog.
* not sure how I underlined everything. Oops....
Reasons the Careless Man sucks, 1-30
1. He left my mom.
2. He left their mom (KK and KE).
3. He left me.
4. He left TR.
5. He left KE.
6. He left KK.
7. He chose drugs and drinking over a real life, real family.
8. He pretended like he wanted to part of this family, but only when it was convenient for him.
9. He thinks he is never wrong. Ever.
10. He treats others like they are below him (yea, right).
11. His new found "religion" has given him a false sense of righteousness which couldn't be further from the truth.
12. He never protected me. Or KE or KK or TR. Or our beautiful mothers. And we deserved and needed it.
13. He never taught me "father-daughter" things other than how to despise him.
14. He never follows though on his promises.
15. He thinks the world revolves around him and his needs. HOW ABOUT NO.
16. He taught me the one word I can count on is "goodbye", spoken or not its the one constant in our relationship.
17. He used to try to buy my love.
18. He has never treated TR with the love and respect he deserves as a man and as a son.
19. He has never truly earned my trust and I have never once felt comfortable with him.
20. He said he would come to my dance recital, never showed.
21. He said he would come to my choir concert, there was an empty seat the whole time.
22. I scored a goal at Mariucci arena. My whole family- cousins, aunts, uncles, mom, grandparents- they ALL came, but he didn't. That was one of the worst moments of my life and it should have been the best. Not many can say they scored at Mariucci. I hope he thinks of this every single day and regrets not being there because he should.
23. Someday when I get married he will NOT walk me down the aisle, let alone even be invited to the wedding. Most little girls dream of that moment. I have dreaded it for my whole life. He stole that from me. My sisters will be there, standing at the front of the church by my side, where they belong. He will be wallowing in self-pity somewhere far away, again, exactly where he deserves to be.
24. I have yet to have a deep relationship with a man because I cannot come close to trusting or believing that any man would choose to love and protect me since he never did.
25. If I had to quantify all the tears I have cried, the ones over him would exponentially outnumber the ones caused by everything else. Combined. I hope he's proud.
26. I bet he doesn't even know 26 is my lucky number. In fact, I would place money on that.
27. He has some sort of belief that he DESERVES certain things in life, such as my respect or adoration. Um, no. Those things are earned, not deserved.
28. He acts like he is holier-than-thou now that he has found "God" and that all he does is so perfect. Newsflash- God (the real one, whom I am not sure he actually knows) would NEVER agree with your actions and the way he treats people. Gimme a freaking break.
29. He doesn't have my new cell phone number because I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO HIM.
30. His random email that said "I love you" was immediately deleted. I have said it before and will say it again. Love is a VERB not a NOUN. (Since he never graduated high school, let me break that down for him...) A verb is an action word, constitutes some sort of performance. This means if he wants to try to email me some complete BS about love, its empty. He has done not a GD thing to make that the truth, JFC. And I know I have told him this exact thing before. Seems he are literally too dumb to get it. Eff it, I don't need to be your damn tutor.
30 is enough for today but there will be more to come, I assure you. We haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg.
There are so many songs that can express my feelings for his stupid behavior and how it affects me, TR, KE and KK. Here is one of the best. Believe it or not its by Lindsay Lohan. This song nails it for me. She speaks the words in my heart. If nothing else comes out of that girl in her life, I am eternally grateful for "Confessions of a Broken Heart" After watching the video (through uncontrollable tears) I am so sad for Lindsay and Ali Lohan. I KNOW how they feel and it just isn't fair. As bad as Lindsay has been lately, I wish I could just tell her "I get it..."
"Confessions of a Broken Heart" by Lindsay Lohan
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am broken but I am hoping
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying, a part of me is dying and
These are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
And I wear all your old clothes, your polo sweater
I dream of another you
The one who would never (never)
Leave me alone to pick up the pieces
A daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed
So why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go!!
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don’t know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
I love you,
I love you
I love you
I....!!!!!
I love you!!
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don’t know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth...
Did you ever love me!!!?
Did you ever love me?
These are.....
The confessions...of a broken heart
Ohhh....yeah
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter..
I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am broken but I am hoping
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying, a part of me is dying and
These are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
And I wear all your old clothes, your polo sweater
I dream of another you
The one who would never (never)
Leave me alone to pick up the pieces
A daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed
So why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go
Why’d you have to go!!
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don’t know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
I love you,
I love you
I love you
I....!!!!!
I love you!!
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don’t know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth...
Did you ever love me!!!?
Did you ever love me?
These are.....
The confessions...of a broken heart
Ohhh....yeah
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter..
**PLEASE PLEASE WATCH THE VIDEO**
I am a Careful Daughter (along with my sisters) and my brother is a Careful Son
I want to be totally upfront about the inspiration for this blog;
1. My dad sucks. He is the Careless Man I am talking about.
2. I have the most incredible sisters in the history of this entire universe and I would do anything humanly possible to protect and love them but there is this big thorn in my side that is called "DAD" who has hurt them more than any person should, especially him since he happens to be their father.
*Sidebar... its gonna be tough to no cuss on this blog I just realized. There are so many choice words I would like to use to explain the careless man.
3. My brother is trying to be a self-sufficient adult and wants to act as though I take this situation too personally. HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT? Is there anything more personal than family? I think no. My brother deserves more than what he gets from the careless man and I pray he realizes that and doesn't feel he should just be tough and not let it affect him. Like it or not, it affects us all.
4. Taylor Swift. You didn't see that coming, did you? :) Her new song "Mine" is what gave me the inspiration for this blog. I have been thinking about it for a long time, but never got going. In her new song she describes the girl as a "Careless Man's Careful Daughter" and that line hit me like a ton of bricks. Thats me. Thats KK (baby sister) and KE (little sister). SO US. Sometimes I am absolutely blown away by how someone else can verbalize the words that are hanging on my lips. Taylor Swift did this for me with this song. Cut straight through all the BS and said what I needed to say. Thanks for the help TSwizzle. I owe ya one.
5. My puppy. Although I did not give birth to her, she is my baby. I would do absolutely anything for her, to make her happy, keep her healthy, give her the best life imaginable. And she is a dog. Not to diminish the fact that she is my BABY, my child, as far as I am concerned. She is nuzzled next to my side as I write this and I have this overwhelming feeling of love, to her and from her, that is unique to the two of us. I have no kids of my own (yet) and I can only imagine that if I am so passionate about a K-9 how amazing it would feel to have my own human baby. Look out world. Someday I know I will have that chance and its gonna be, well, amazing. This is why it is so utterly baffling to me that the Careless Man can up and leave his own children like he has. I drop my dog off to get groomed for an hour and I cry in the car on the way home because I miss her. How is it possible to have absolutely no regard for anyone other than your pathetic self? I am guessing its rather lonely, and to be frank, he deserves it.
With that said, here we go. I often forget how much this Careless Man really does eff with my life daily, whether I realize it or not, and I started bawling like a baby as I began this post. Wow. Even after all these years, the pain doesn't stop, subside, go away, or end. If anything it feels worse because I see the world more for what it is and cannot imagine the amount of selfishness required to be the worlds most Careless Man. From here on out, that is his name "Careless Man". He is Dad to no one.
Here is the Taylor Swift song I am speaking of:
"Mine " by Taylor Swift
You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts
I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lyin' on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now
Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
But we got bills to pay
We got nothin' figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes
This is what I thought about:
Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh
And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."
You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it
I can see it now
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts
I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lyin' on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now
Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
But we got bills to pay
We got nothin' figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes
This is what I thought about:
Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh
And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."
You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it
I can see it now
Watch the video below from cmt.com Its worth a viewing, trust me....
Mine: "Speak Now"
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